My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
