I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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