i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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