He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
