I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
