You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
