I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
