My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You don't make any sense
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