Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i will never coherently bang her
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
