My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We need to get me chipped asap
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize