Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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