They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
