why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
should my penis look like a turkey
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
