i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
