If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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