Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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