Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
What a fucking waste of an outfit
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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