She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
