So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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