Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
