you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize