You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
