Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
