He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
