I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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