I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
