In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
