Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
