I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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