My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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