The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
