what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
