everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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