we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
