When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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