Your dad touched me again.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
