but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
