sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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