I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
