Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
