you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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