I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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