I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
