Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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