Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize