I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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