So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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