in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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