I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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