A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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