Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
