Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize