I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
