I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
