I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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