took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
