Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize