dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
