my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
